E-mails That I've Recieved

Some Handy Tips

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive ribbed condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they wont know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of rodeo sex. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can stay mounted for.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Give comics that Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a SHRINKING device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."

How To Write An English Report

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite cd and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie staring Don Ameche.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
26. Leap up and write the paper.

Star Wars Pants

25 Lines From Star Wars That Can Be Improved if you substitute the word "Pants"

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2. You are unwise to lower your pants
3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down
4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts
6. I find your lack of pants disturbing
7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it
8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault
10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home
11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants
13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board
14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark
15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off
16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants
17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this
19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness
20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for your sister!
21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser
22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie
23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive
24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants
25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought

Stupidity Insults

1. He’s as sharp as a beach ball
2. Stupidity doesn’t count as a handicap, park elsewhere
3. I would engage in a battle of wits with you, but I refuse to duel with and unarmed person
4. The proctologist called!... They found your head!
5. His elevator won’t go to the top
6. She’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal
7. People would follow him, but only out of morbid curiosity
8. Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain
9. If ignorance is bliss you must be orgasmic!
10. Everyone has a photographic memory, you just don’t have film
11. You couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating dance
12. Just because your head is pointed, that doesn’t mean you’re sharp
13. May your life be like toilet paper-long and useful
14. If my dog looked as ugly as you, I’d shave its butt and teach him to walk around backwards!
15. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, you’re abusing the privilege
16. All foam, no beer
17. Your collostomy bag is leaking again
18. The circumcision scar on your forehead is fading

The Annual Darwin Awards

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

The Nomonies Are:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -- no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate -- was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

And the winner . . .

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long and straight stretch of road.

Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that the vehicle reached Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.

Spare a thought for Billy...

My name is Billy Evans, and I'm a nine-year-old boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me.

You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow horrible death and then burn forever in hell.

What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five freakin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me.

I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,
Billy.

The Four Types Of Chain Letters:

Chain Letter Type 1:

(scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

STOP!!!!

Wasn't that fun? :)

Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do.

First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.

It's true!

Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!

Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

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Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats.

This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutley no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit.

So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.

Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

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Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.

So this is how it works:

Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall.

Not only did she smell nasty, she died.

This Could HappenTo You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

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Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.

Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

A friend is someone who is always at your side,

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit,

and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood,

A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of arseholes,

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the cheque and leaves and doesn't speak much English...

-no, sorry that's the cleaning lady,

A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on!

If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.

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The point being?

If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda.

Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.